


Of Wolf and Man

by Angel_aura_newt



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/F, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-08-01 14:56:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16286711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angel_aura_newt/pseuds/Angel_aura_newt
Summary: Destiel romance set during and after 5.22 'Swan Song'. Female Dean, female/enby Cas. Soulless Sam will make an appearance. Not good at writing summaries lol but I am actually a good writer.





	1. Swan Song

The sky is beautiful. It's the same color as Cas's eyes. Looking at it now, I feel the pain of love and loss. Not just the physical pain of being beaten up by the fucking devil. Lucifer's taken three of the people I love most: Bobby, my brother Sam, and Castiel. And he's about to take me. Then the whole fucking planet.

I'm half-sitting, with my back against the Impala. Lucifer's holding me up by my jacket, having thrown punch after punch so now I can barely stand on my own. Rock of Ages is blasting on repeat in the background. Fucking love that song. Pity it's being tarnished.

My arm, nose and jaw are definitely broken. I can't open one eye, but I can still see the fresh, angelic blue of the sky. I picture Cas's eyes again. If I'm about to die, this isn't too bad, right? I'm around people I love and I've died worse. Damn. Not many people can say that. It's funny how time moves so much more slowly when you're moments away from death. You have time to actually think. I've come back from the dead before. Thousands of times apparently. But there's always been a reason: Gabriel, averting the apocalypse, me being Michael's vessel. There's no chance that I'll come back this time. I'm not useful anymore. Michael's got his vessel now - my youngest brother, Adam. And the apocalypse is upon us.

And suddenly I'm terrified. Terrified for Sammy. Terrified for what happens next. I've always tried to be a good big sister; I've always kept him out of trouble and tried to keep him happy. He's in there. So I start pleading in the only way I know. Like when we were kids and Sammy was wondering where Mom had gone and why Dad was always out. Sammy would be having a tantrum, feeling like an outcast or in pain and I couldn't help him. In a way, I was his sister, his mom and his dad. So I would tell him 'It's okay, it's okay. I'm not gonna leave you. You're my little brother. It's okay.'

Over and over again between punches, until my mouth is so swollen and bloody I can barely form words:

'It's okay, Sammy. I'm here. I'll always be here for you.'

Then something changes. My vision may be obscured by my own blood, but I know Sam. Lucifer is holding up one of my brother's fists, but it becomes relaxed. Sam's in control. He's looking inside the Impala and I can see the struggle inside his mind. Sammy, poor little Sammy, trying to be the savior of the universe, battling against the most powerful fucking archangel to exist. His fist is soaked in my blood, his knuckles are split open and he's trembling, maybe with fear, maybe with the sheer exhaustion of this battle. The graveyard itself is silent, save the metallic pings of my baby as she cools, the wind rushing through the bony trees and the heavy rhythms of Def Leppard.

Slowly, painfully, his fist uncurls. He yanks himself away from me, panting and twitching. I fall to the floor, realising some of my ribs are broken. I gasp at the pain, but I don't scream. I need to be strong for him.

'It's okay Dee,' Sammy says. 'It's gonna be okay.'

He looks a mess. His eyes are wide and petrified; his face is tense and sad. This hurts me more than Lucifer's attack.

'I've got him,' he whispers, then he reaches into his pocket for the rings.

I'm surprised Lucifer kept them, since he knows that they are the only way to shove his ass back into the cage. Sam throws the rings onto the ground and says the incantation to open the pit. He's actually going to go through with it. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Of course, I knew this was going to happen, but I'd hoped it wouldn't.

The ground opens and like a black hole. Sam's long hair whips around his face from the wind. I'd always told him it was a liability, but it's so Sammy. I wouldn't ever change a thing about him. He looks back and forth from me to this hole. I can't even describe the terror radiating from him. It's more contagious than the fucking Croatoan virus. Sammy edges towards it and I can't help but stare. Even if I physically could say anything, what would I say? I'll miss you Sammy? I'm sorry? Congratulations on saving this motherfucking planet?

'Sam!' A voice calls. It's Michael. He's furious. 'It's not gonna end this way. Step back.'

The son of a bitch is still wearing Adam and despite being Molotoved with Holy Fire, he doesn't have a hair out of place. Fuck. I've been trying not to think of Castiel. A wave of grief hits me again but I have to force it out. Anything to help Sammy.

'You're gonna have to make me!' Sam yells over the sound of the wind and screams from Hell.

'I have to fight my brother. It's my destiny.' Michael barks.

Sammy turns around completely to look me in the eye. I give a slight nod - as much as my fucked up neck will allow.

Gunter gleiben glauchen globen... he leans back with his arms open. Dramatic as ever. Michael sprints forward to stop him but Sam grabs his arm as he falls, pulling him in. Alright...They fall in slow motion into the inky black void.

Fade away...

I am alone in the graveyard.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Swan Song ~ Supernatural season five episode twenty two

Rock of ages ~ a song by Def Leppard

This is fanfiction based on the show Supernatural, the characters and some plots belong to Warner Bros and the CW.


	2. Rooster

I am alone in the graveyard.

When the entrance to the cage closes, I make my way over to where Sammy was. My blood mixes with my tears and stains the ground. I can't bring myself to think about where Castiel and Bobby's corpses lie. Kneeling down, I thread my fingers through the wispy brown grass. The strength to stay upright leaves me so I lie down and stare at the sky with my one good eye. Cas's eyes were so fucking blue. I start sobbing now. There's barely even a body to cry over, just a pile of bloody clothes.

It hurts to breathe. If I lie here and let myself die, it would be breaking my promise to all of them, but I'm not able to keep fighting. Not without Sammy's endless enthusiasm; Bobby's sarcasm and omniscience. Cas. Fuck. Castiel.

Then footsteps. Fuck this.

'Fuck off,' I moan, but more blood comes out of my mouth than words.

'Dee.'

Shock hits me in the chest like a well aimed bullet. I attempt to sit up, but I can only make it a couple of inches off the ground. Castiel!

'Cas? You're alive?' More blood as I try to smile.

They shush me and kneel down to hold my head and back up so I can look at them and talk. My breath catches at the pain in my ribs, but it feels so good to be in their arms. The feeling of hope; the feeling of love.

'I'm better than that,' they say.

Even tinted blood red, they are every inch an angel. Dimples, sunbeams flooding through their choppy brown bob, those radiant azure eyes. They touch my forehead with two fingers. The magic (if that's what it really is, I have no idea) feels like an explosion of glitter inside me. Tingly and fresh. My vision clears and all the physical pain disappears.

'Cas?' I look into their eyes again and sit up properly. 'Are you God?'

They chuckle softly, like music. 'That's a nice compliment, but no. But I do believe he brought me back.'

I want to put my arms around them; to hug them until the rest of the pain goes away. But I don't. It's always seemed like there's too much to lose.

'Cas?' I say again, not knowing what I actually want to say. My voice is trembling a bit.

They look concerned and confused, but that's just Cas.

'Dee, I can't fix the grief you are experiencing. Only time can do that,' they say softly.

I'm somewhat certain now. I feel like a fucking 6th grader asking a crush out for the first time. This is actually somewhat embarrassing. With people, well, human people, I'm usually quite confident. Come on, Dee, you pathetic bitch I say to myself. Then I put my arms around them.

'Deanna, why is your body on my body?' Castiel murmurs.

'It's called a hug, Cas. You do the same.'

So they try to hug me back. It's so adorable - I can feel their confusion. Cas strokes my back with one hand. And then I cry. A lot. I'm probably staining their fucking trench coat with snot and blood but I don't care. Sammy would find this hilarious. And then I'm sobbing so hard I choke.

'Dee, wait.'

What? Why are they letting go when it's so obvious that I need them?

'Cas, no...' I trail off as they walk away.

I don't think they hear. Then I realise that Bobby's corpse is a few metres away. Oh my god. I was crying for Sammy and my own loss but I hardly thought of Bobby. I'm a selfish bastard. Castiel touches Bobby's forehead and his skin goes from grey to flushed pink. His eyes flutter and he sits up.

'What the hell happened?' Bobby exclaims.

'Lucifer and Michael fell into the cage.' Cas says bluntly.

'And Sam?'

'Him too.'

'Dammit, boy! He was meant to push Lucifer out, not jump in himself. You alright Dee?' Bobby asks.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

An hour later, I'm in a cheap, crappy motel outside of Lawrence. Bobby's gone to find a liquor store; Cas is God knows where. I strip off my bloodstained clothes and shove them in a bin, except my jacket which belonged to Dad - I'll try to sew it up later. I drain the last bottle of whisky from the car then turn the shower on as hot as it goes and scrub the dried blood with a sponge. Satisfyingly, it peels off and collects at the bottom of the shower before draining out. I continue scrubbing until my skin becomes raw and screams at the heat. I don't normally harm myself intentionally like this, but I'm not aware of Bobby's return with the booze yet and it feels good. Almost as good as a release as sex. Suddenly I'm sobbing again. I sink down to the floor and hug my knees.

Whoosh.

I'm no longer alone.

'Cas! Son of a bitch!' I shriek.

'Hello, Dee. I don't have a gender, you know that.'

'What the actual fuck?' I half shout, half sob.

'I heard you crying. Are you okay?' Cas asks innocently.

They look genuinely concerned.

'Yes! Get the fuck out!'

I can't believe this fucking idiot. They're standing in the shower fully clothed, peering down at me. Water is running down their bangs onto my feet. I'm surprised to see that the beige trench coat Cas always wears isn't waterproof. The water makes their cheap white shirt almost invisible and I can see that they wear a lacy periwinkle blue bra. Interesting.

'Are you sure? I don't think that this temperature of water is healthy for a human.'

'I'll turn it down. Just fuck off!'

Then they're gone. Seeing Cas's bra for the first time is strangely hot. They have nice tits. Well, their vessel does. And I'm guessing that the vessel's soul has gone now after being blasted apart by the devil. So Cas has nice tits.

I hear the front door open and quickly turn off the water and wrap a towel around myself. It's Bobby - he's wasted.

'Did you drive like this?' I ask.

'Naw. I'm not 'n'idgit,' he slurs.

'Hang on, I'll get changed then I'll help you into your room.'

'This's my room.'

'Bobby, I've seen you drunk outta your mind before, but I've never seen you stupid.'

'Eat me. I died today.'

'Touché. How the hell did you get in?'

'I picked the lock.'

'Of course you did.' I roll my eyes.

I grab some clothes out of the case on my bed and dart into the bathroom. When I come out he's passed out on my bed.

'Son of a bitch,' I sigh.

I do up my bag and sling it over my shoulder, then I roll Bobby on his side so he doesn't choke. Normally it's Sammy I have to take care of like this. Fuck, not again. Another wave of grief hits me. Bobby hasn't even brought back any liquor. Damnit.

I tidy up the bathroom and ruffle my short hair dry with a towel. Then I trudge to Bobby's room. I realise I don't have a key so I pick the lock. Huh. Irony. Exhausted, I flop backwards onto the bed and stare at the cracked ceiling. This is the first time in years I've tried to sleep knowing that Sammy is truly dead. What's dead stays dead. Apparently not. Hopefully not.

I lie on top of the scratchy comforter feeling numb and put some music on when the bedside clock reaches midnight. The Guns N' Roses version of Knocking on Heaven's Door is the first song on my playlist. For fuck's sake. Skip. Dust in the Wind. Are they all going to be about death? Skip. Highway to Hell. There isn't a fucking highway to Hell. It's a hole in the fucking ground. Or crossroads and Hellhounds. I resist the urge to smash my iPod on the floor. I go back to staring at the ceiling.

When the lighter colors of dawn begin to show through the curtains, I start to pray.

'Castiel? I don't know what you're doing but I kind of need you. It's...'

I was going to say 'it's not a emergency', but there's a knock at the door. I grab my angel blade and open the door a bit.

'Hello, Dee.'

I can't help smiling at the angel despite my current emotions. And blushing. They did see me naked and self harming a while ago after all.

'Cas. You came.' I breathed.

'Of course.'

Then I see it.

'Cas, is- is this... blood?'

One of the lapels of their trench coat is spattered with fresh blood.

'Yes. With Michael gone, Heaven is in anarchy. Raphael is trying to take over and restore the apocalypse.' Cas sees my worried expression and quickly adds 'don't worry, it's not mine.'

'What the Hell, Cas? You didn't need to come down to see me.' Although I'm somewhat pleased about it, I add inside my head.

'Heaven can wait. My army can look after itself for a few hours.'

They want to spend a few hours with me? Over fighting a war? Swoon. What the fuck Deanna? You sound like a fucking 6th grader again. I look into their eyes. Soft. Blue like the Kansas sky. Hooded. Swoon.

'Um. Thanks,' I stammer, feeling very insecure. 'I just - I couldn't sleep and I was... um. Lonely,' I finish lamely

I'm dangerously close to crying now.

'Humans need up to years to process grief and these first few days when you're in shock will be the worst of it.'

'Did you Google that?'

'Yes.' They say with pride.

I break down again. Dammit. They put an arm around me and guide me onto the bed. So snuggly. If I wasn't weeping I would probably be purring.

'The article said I should do what I can to help you, so what do I need to do?' Cas murmurs into my ear.

'Just be here,' I whisper.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Rooster ~ a song by Alice In Chains

Knockin' on Heaven's Door ~ a song by Bob Dylan

Dust in the Wind ~ a song by Kansas

Highway to Hell ~ a song by AC/DC

This is fanfiction based on the show Supernatural, the characters and some plots belong to Warner Bros and the CW


	3. Since I Don't Have You

'Just be here,' I whisper.

I wake up properly around 8am. Sunlight is streaming in through the open windows and a cool breeze is refreshing against my tear stained cheeks.

Castiel isn't here.

Another broken promise.

'Of course I'll stay with you.' They said to me last night.

I panic. I scramble to find my angel blade and fall out of bed, hitting my head on the nightstand. I touch my eyebrow which is sticky with blood and wince. Groggily, I shuffle to the bathroom and press a wad of tissue against the cut.

When the bleeding subsides I check the cut in the mirror and wash the excess blood off again. Thankfully it's not deep. I'm such a mess now - all my hunting instincts have gone. Before, I would have been able to grab a blade and slash potential threats into red mist before opening my eyes. Now I'm... like this. Crap - I'm crying again.

I've always been taught to suppress my emotions to become a better hunter; a better sister. It's like the flood defenses have broken and I only have tape to fix them. In the past, Sammy encouraged me to open up to him. I tried for him, but I never let that invisible barrier break like this. It fucking hurts too fucking much.

Still in the top and leggings I wore last night, I snatch my keys from the table and stumble out the door. The rundown building shakes as I slam the door.

Crying so hard there's no tears. Crying so hard I'm bent double.  
Crying so hard I want to fucking die.  
But then there's no one for Sammy to come back to.  
If he comes back.  
When he comes back.  
He must come back.  
I'll make sure he comes back.  
I'm his sister, his mom, his dad.  
It's what I do.  
What I have to do.

I get to my car. She's scratched and dented but still less flawed than me. I sink into the passenger seat, inhaling the smell of booze, burgers,  
leather, gunpowder and Sam's shampoo. As Chuck said, we may have never had a roof and four walls, but we were never actually homeless. She smells of Sammy; of me; of home. And it's beautiful. If only Sam and Cas were here to share it with me.

I let myself choke on soundless sobs until I calm down again. It's anger now. Pure rage that billows from the center of my body and leaves me shaking like an earthquake.

I need to fucking kill something. Even if that something is me. I'd go to Hell for Sam again.

Then I remember my promise to him.

'Once the cage is shut, you can't poke it, Dee. It's too risky,' he told me.

We were sat inside the Impala, driving east towards Detroit. We had gallons of demon blood in the trunk and every time we went over a bump in the road I could hear it sloshing. Sammy's gotta drink that shit. It's disgusting.

'As if I'm gonna let you rot in there.'

I was shocked, confused, perhaps a bit hurt he was saying this to me. Of course, it needed to be said. I may be a lying, murderous bastard but I keep my promises to Sammy. 'Like when you told him it'll all be okay' a niggling voice in my head pops up.

'You don't have a choice,' Sam said.

Like Hell I do. 'You can't ask me to do this'

'I'm sorry, Dee. You have to.'

I stared at the road. The yellow lines get swallowed by the hood of the Impala. It used to be one of my favorite things, watching this. Not so much anymore.

'What am I supposed to do?' I said eventually.

Sam flinched at the tones of anger in my voice. 'You go find Jo. You pray to God she's dumb enough to take you in. You join her and give up hunting together. Go have barbecues and watch football games. Go fishing for fuck's sake. Have a normal, apple-pie life, Dee.'

I said nothing; just kept staring at the road.

'Promise me!' He raised his voice to prove he means it. But what can he do? I could kill as many monsters as I can and he wouldn't be able to do a damn thing about it.

I didn't talk to him again.

Not until after he drank that goddamn blood.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Time passes and I'm back on the road. Before I left I put a note and a bottle of whisky in Bobby's car. I'm speeding down a back road across Nebraska.

Jo gave up the hunting life after her near miss with a hellhound and is working full time in the roadhouse after her mom, Ellen was killed by a demon. I admit I've got a thing for her, but it's nothing as earth-shattering as my feelings for Cas. At least it's mutual, although nothing's happened between us yet, save a goodbye kiss.

I'm heading out to Jo for two reasons. Firstly, Sam told me to. Second, the string of hunters heading in and out of the roadhouse will know of a monster I can kill. Mostly the latter. Killing's like... an art for me - self expression; relaxation; a hobby; a talent. Mommy monsters should tell stories to their kids about what Deanna Winchester can do with a machete.

Nobody's Fault But Mine by Led Zeppelin is playing on the stereo and I'm driving past endless fields of corn. Typical. Why does the music always relate to what's happening in my life? I've got a beer in one hand and an empty bottle of cheap rum in the back seat. At this point in my alcoholism, it might not even be possible for me to get drunk. An interesting theory to test for another time.

Suddenly Cas appears - or lands - in the passenger seat. I jump and the car swerves, nearly hitting a dozy jackrabbit. 

'Son of a bitch! Cas, what the hell? You fucking left me last night! You promised me goddamnit!' I yell. Yes, I love them but they're an asshole too.

'I was summoned by heaven. You know there's a war going on amongst the factions.' They're calm but I can tell I hurt them. Little bitch deserves it.

'So what? God gives you a shiny new set of wings and you're his bitch again?'

'I don't know what God wants. I don't know if he'll even return. It just seems like the right thing to do.' They even smile. Heart-melting; warm; sweet like cherry pie. Castiel.

'Well, if you do see him, you tell him I'm coming for him next.'

Cas looks over to me, brow furrowed, dimples showing, 'You're angry,' they realize aloud.

No shit, Sherlock. I can't believe them. I know they're not very aware of human emotions and shit, but I mean, come on. I scoff and look from Cas to the road.

'That's an understatement,' I say when I finally look back.

'God helped.'

I scoff again.

'Maybe even more than we realize,' Cas continues.

'Easy for you to say. He brought you back. But what about Sam? What about me, huh? Where is my grand prize? All I got is my brother in a goddamn hole!' My volume rises so I'm yelling at the end.

Tears are threatening to leak down my face and it hurts inside my chest again. I clench my hands on the wheel to ground myself and look out the window. The imaginary woomph noise as the lines go under the hood helps me steady my breathing.

'You got what you asked for, Dee,' Cas says gently. 'No paradise, no Hell. Just more of the same.'

Their half smile they probably think is reassuring half kills me.

'I mean it, Dee. What would you rather have? Peace... or freedom?'

'Cas, I...' I love you. I was going to tell them. But they're not here anymore. A single tear runs down my face. I wipe it away, ashamed.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

'Dee! What are you doing here?' Jo exclaims as she opens the door, but her face falls dramatically when she actually sees me. 'Oh baby, what's wrong?'

She's wearing her black waitressing uniform and her blonde hair is tucked until a ponytail with her bangs twisted into a halo. If I didn't know Cas, I'd say she looks like an angel.

I catch her up on what's been happening: Cas and Bobby died and came back; Cas is in the wind; Sam is gone for good, and bringing him back isn't worth my soul - I've already tried that. Jo gives me free whisky and a shoulder to cry on. More than I deserve since it's my fault she became puppy chow and her mom died.

Months pass; yet no sign of Sam or Cas. Demons refused to deal to get Sam out of the cage. Jo's too nice to me and it's somewhat unnerving but I don't let her know I feel like this. I get a job nearby with some roofers. Sticking a nail into a board is the closest I get to stabbing a bitch in the face. Sometimes a hunter comes in with a difficult hunt and I take over. It's different alone. Over time, Jo and I begin a relationship. She's sweet and hot and everything a girl could ask for. We're not the richest but we can be open with each other about monsters and family and that's a whole lot better. We go fishing for dates. Her music taste sucks ass - her favorite song is Can't Fight This Feeling, although she calls it 'our song' - from that time she played it on the jukebox to piss me off.

One morning I open the door of my truck to head out to work. Blood everywhere. I pull a gun out of the door compartment, fearing the worst.

'Dee, no'

Naked, freshly bloody from torture, crying.

Castiel.

Shit.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Since I Don't Have You ~ a song by Guns N' Roses

Nobody's Fault But Mine ~ a song by Led Zeppelin

Can't Fight This Feeling ~ a song by REO Speedwagon

This is fanfiction based on Supernatural, the characters and some plots belong to Warner Bros and the CW.


	4. Send Me an Angel

Naked, freshly bloody from torture, crying.

Castiel.

Shit.

I should have some bullshit feminine instinct take over; help them into our house, heal their wounds. But I don't.

'What the fuck, you son of a bitch?' I yell. I'm fucking furious that this bitch leaves me for nearly a year then comes to me when they're almost broken beyond repair. 'And don't fucking say that you don't have a gender again. Why the fuck did you go radio silent? I prayed to you the minute you left. I know you're not dumb enough to have been tortured this whole fucking time.'

'Dee, I didn't have a choice. Help me.' Castiel croaks, then passes out.

'Take it easy, Belladonna.' Not the time for porn jokes, Dee.

I put my jacket and a blanket around them and pick them up. They seem so fragile in my arms and I've missed this so much. If I'm honest, I can barely remember the last time I touched them; I was so overcome by grief. Now it's me caring for them. But it still doesn't feel right.

Still looking out for danger, I carry Cas back inside.

'Jo! Help me!' I shout. She comes rushing out.

'Dee? What's happened?' She's panicking too now. But she's just standing there. Why isn't she helping us?

'Castiel.' I stare into her eyes trying to communicate. 'What do we do?'

'Dee, where's Castiel?' Jo says patiently.

'Here.' I say and look down at Cas in my arms.

'Honey, what are you talking about?'

I black out.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Some time later, my eyes flutter open. I'm surrounded by sky. Only it's not the sky. It's Castiel's eyes. They're leaning over me with their hand against my forehead. I try to sit up but find myself restrained by my wrists and feet.

'Cas? Jo? What's happening?'

I realize where I am - a guest room. The one with the single bed that barely anyone takes because of the mold in the washroom and dodgy windows I haven't got round to fixing. Castiel and Jo are standing next to each other, looking concerned.

'You were poisoned by djinn,' Jo answers after a while. 'I... I called Castiel. I didn't think you'd make it. You thought Cas was dying and we had to restrain you to stop you fighting us.'

'What the fuck? How?'

'We think some djinn got to you before you came back yesterday. I came to heal you.' Cas says.

I'm mad and fully awake. 'Only now? You abandoned me all this time? Can someone undo these fucking things?'

Jo rushes forward to undo the restraints and hugs me as I sit up.

'I was so scared' she whispers.

'I'm fine. I'm like a bad reputation.'

She doesn't understand the reference so I cut in: 'When can we kill those sons of bitches?'

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

'A silver knife dipped in lambs blood can kill a djinn. Or it's own poison. If it gets you, use your blood to stab it and bleed the poison out. If it gets you in the face, you're dead. Don't touch the blue shit or you're dead. They'll come back in a few hours to check I'm dead, then we'll get 'em.' I instruct. I'm back in my element. Hunting with people I love again is the best feeling despite the awkward love triangle.

Soon enough, the djinn come back. Around a dozen of them against three of us. Unusual for djinn, simple enough for us with an angel on our side. I wait for them to approach and make a pissed off, snarky joke about why I'm still alive. Typical monster. No originality.

'Come get me you sons of bitches!' I growl.

The first one rushes at me from the side. I respond by slamming my blade under its ribs. The next djinn gets the blade in its face. The third one that comes at me dodges my knife; pins me against a wall and tries to wrestle the blade off me with its blue tattoo shit out. I elbow it in the face and stab it in the gut then up into its throat. Blood spatters me and it's such an amazing feeling: back in the saddle again.

I yank my blade out of its face and see Jo and Cas are working together - Jo pins a monster down as Cas uses their angel power to take it out. I'm nearly caught off guard when another djinn attacks me with its blue stuff. I get a hit to the shoulder and go down. My vision becomes blurry and I hear the crunch of a dislocating joint. Without thinking I slice open my skin and watch the blue blood and poison pour out. Then I use the bloody knife to kill the bitch. It screams as its poison enters its bloodstream and dies. It's burning blue eyes become dull and the patterns return to normal.

'Dee, help!'

I spin round and see a final djinn grab Jo's face and put the poison in her. Castiel kills it but it's too late. I sprint over to Jo. She's slumped on the ground, her eyes blue like the djinn's but becoming dull by the second. A wound in her wrist is spurting blue blood into an already large puddle.

'Shit! Jo! It'll be okay. Cas is here. They'll fix you.' I try holding her but it's really hard to avoid the poison she's covered in.

'No, Dee. Don't. You're gonna leave me for Cas now they're back and I can't live with that. You know it. Let me join Mom.'

'Baby, please.'

'I love you, Dee.'

She screams until she dies. The seconds feel like hours. I don't even get a chance to tell her I love her back before her the light in her eyes goes out. She goes limp and the blue blood returns to red. I cling to her.

'Castiel do something! You're a useless fucking angel if you can't bring her back.' I sob. We never exchanged 'I love yous' while she was alive.

'She said she wants to die. I can't go against her final wishes.'

'Come on, buddy. Do it for me. Please.'

They don't.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I cremate Jo the next morning in the same place we cremated Ellen - out the back of the house under the oak trees which are shedding their leaves in the fall, leaving a layer of rusty brown covered in the crisp morning frost.

Cas just stood by watching while I piled up the wood and set fire to the body. They don't try to comfort me; they just stare solemnly at the fire.

'Cas?'

'Yes?'

'What happened?'

'Jo asked to die.'

'No, I mean between us.' God, I hate being so stereotypically female. I don't live in a goddamn chick flick.

'I don't know what you mean.'

'I loved you, you son of a bitch. And you left me to grieve alone. For you and Sam. I thought you'd died for fuck's sake. You come when Jo calls, but not me. You let me build a life here, now it's been torn away.'

In the dusk and firelight, the only color I notice is the flashing orange of the flames reflecting off their eyes. My own eyes become misty with smoke and tears.

'I had to go, Dee. I have to stop Raphael. Do you want another apocalypse? Do you, Dee?' They're angry. They don't have the fucking right to be mad at me.

'Just fucking go before I stab you in the face.'

Cas leaves me standing next to the burning remains of my dead girlfriend.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I'm driving down a back road in the Impala; a half empty bottle of scotch as my passenger. I haven't stopped since Jo's death three days ago. I just keep driving. I've got no idea where I am. Left at this road, right at the next. Civilization to the left, I turn right. I'm only aware of the classic rock music blasting through the car and taking a sip of the scotch when feelings try to take over. The emptiness isn't comforting but it's a hell of a lot better than breaking down over loss again.

Sheep farms. Cornfields. Oil fracking. Dairy farms. Emptiness. Mountains. Road behind me, road ahead. How I like it.

And then I'm not alone anymore.

I don't even flinch at the sudden arrival of Castiel.

'So you've stopped apocalypse two point oh?' I ask. My voice is husky and slurred.

'I've spoken to a brother. It appears I have treated you badly.' No sign of remorse in their face.

'And?' I ask

'And I apologize to you.'

I pull over sharply. The jolting of the car as I slam on her brakes wakes me from my daze. Of course they need me again. If they're struggling with the angel war they obviously need my help down here. Am I just a weapon to them?

I reach over for my scotch and realize too late that Cas is sat in the passenger seat and my hand is on their upper thigh. I'm too tired to move it.

Cas looks down in surprise. 'It appears that I have developed feelings for you too.' They say matter-of-factly. 'Can you forgive me?'

'For what? All the death in my life? The feelings? Can you pass me my goddamn scotch?'

I see the hurt in their eyes. I'm too tired for this. 'Yes, Cas. I'll forgive you.'

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I wake up 12 hours later. For a hunter that's like a week. I'm lying in the back seat. My head is in Cas's lap. One of their hands is in my hair and they're looking out the window at the emptiness outside.

'Cas? What are you doing here?' I say groggily.

They don't say anything, but they look intensely into my eyes.

'Do you know that I can't see your face? I only see your soul. Yours is green and tarnished, but still pure.'

'Your allergy to straight answers is showing again, you bastard,' I snap. 'Out. Now. Let's settle this.'

I slam open the door and push Cas out. I'm slightly hungover and quite dizzy but I can still do this. So I punch the bitch in the face. There's a satisfying crunch as I hear their nose break although they fix it immediately while I'm shaking my knuckles in pain. A little too late, they say 'ouch', as if they want me to think it hurt. Of course they don't fight back.

Instead they do the opposite.

I find myself against the side of my car, my arms and hands burning against the black metal in the afternoon sun. Cas's lips are on mine. I've imagined this so much and it's nothing like my fantasies. More assertive, they lead. It's soft yet fiery; delicate yet intense. One of their palms is on on my cheek, the other around my waist. My hands find their way to Cas's hair, making the messy bob go tangly and inevitably cuter.

I sharply pull away, the taste of Cas still lingering on my lips. Then I smash my skull into theirs impulsively.

'I'm still mad at you, bitch!' I yell dizzily.

Again, they aren't hurt, only surprised.

Next thing I know, I'm alone again.

This time, I don't cry.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Send me an angel ~ a song by Scorpions

This is fanfiction based on Supernatural, the characters and some plots belong to Warner Bros and the CW.


	5. Never Say Die

Next thing I know, I'm alone again.

This time, I don't cry.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dee? It's Bobby. I know you're getting my messages. Stop ignoring me, ya idjit. I'm just checking in again. Listen, kid, I know it's hard, losing Sam, then Jo, but you need to move on. Come home. I've been missing you.

Dee? I'm in a bit of a tight spot here. I sure would appreciate a hand with this vamp nest. Come home, kid. Please.

Dee? It's been six months since I last called. I hope you're okay. There's some demonic omens out in eastern Texas and I heard from Rufus you're in the area. Don't make me assign Garth to this again.

Dee? It's Sam. He's back.

I slam on the brakes.

It's been just over a year since Castiel kissed me and left. I spent my time hunting, boozing and fucking my way around America. Hearing this news I impulsively make a U-turn in the middle of the road, the shock hitting me like a bullet in the chest. 'Sammy's alive, Sammy's alive!' repeats inside my mind. This can't be true. It can't. I've tried everything I can think of to trade my life for his - yet nothing. Now, out of the blue, he's been resurrected. I don't really know what or how to feel; I've been numb for so long.

I'm 900 miles away from Sioux Falls in central Montana, and if I drive hard all night I'll be there within 12 hours. The distance between me and Bobby hasn't bothered me much before; suddenly it's too far. I stick a Deep Purple cassette into the player and turn it up as loud as it goes. I leave behind the tyre marks on the road, the sweet sound of Highway Star and a year of suicidal ideologies.

About 600 miles in, the doubts hit me as hard as a punch in the face. I don't know if Bobby was telling the truth. Perhaps it's an enemy trying to bait me; a shifter using Bobby's voice and phone. Awesome. It's kill time.

At 800 miles, I'm overthinking. This damn drive is killing me. I take a couple of swigs of vodka to calm down. What if it's genuine? What am I going to say to him? How did he get out? What satanic debt do I have to repay? It starts to rain. The wind from the storm batters my car. It's not my emotional state or shaking hands that's making her swerve all over the empty road - just the wind.

850 miles. Excitement. Not quite happiness, but that buzz you get as a kid waiting for Santa on Christmas Eve. Not like I had the best Christmases.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

3 year old Sam, 7 year old me. Christmas '86. Dad was with us for the first Christmas I remember. He'd recovered from his depression and was learning about monsters. Books were strewn about our table. We had a house back then. It had a garden and we had a dog. I can't remember it's name.

Dad hyped us up for Christmas. Christmas Eve, he told us Santa was coming, although we didn't know what that was until he explained it to us. I was scared of the idea of Santa. Sammy was really excited - bouncing around like a flea. I tried not to be scared for Sam and Dad. Dad hated seeing me whining or crying. Come to think of it, he didn't like us making noise or showing emotion anyway.

By bedtime - seven for Sam, eight for me - Sammy had passed his buzz onto me; I was ready to face this Santa creature. Dad had said we get gifts. I wanted a pony. A small one we could keep in the garden and it would be best friends with our dog. I was so pumped for Christmas I stayed awake for hours. I heard Dad go out around 11, and not come back until 3. I must have fallen asleep because the noise he made woke me. I thought it was Santa destroying our house, so I raced downstairs with my kiddie baseball bat, ready to attack like the frightened Jack Russell I was. But it was only Dad. I'd seen him drunk lots before. He got mean drunk. Shouting at us, even beating us if we got in his way, despite our age. He'd cry after. Then he'd hole up in his room for the next couple of days. He'd apologize to us after, of course. He'd take us to the zoo or to the movies. We didn't know anything was wrong. It went on like this until I could hit him back just as hard.

This time, he was already at the crying stage, but that didn't stop him from being angry. I hid on the stairs before he saw me. I didn't want to be beaten so I couldn't protect Sammy from Santa. After maybe an hour of knocking piles of books to the floor, swearing and drinking more, Dad came upstairs. I had fallen asleep on the stairs. He tripped over me and I think the punches I received were instinct.

When I woke up in the morning Dad was in his room, one of my arms was at a weird angle and Santa hadn't come, thank God. I was sad about the pony.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I pull into the road leading from Sioux Falls to Bobby's house. I try telling myself it's probably a trap but I can still feel the hope radiating from inside me. Awesome. The come down's gonna be nasty. I park Baby a mile away and get my 'testing' shit out of the trunk: silver, bronze, brass, iron and gold knives; holy water and oil; demon and angel blades. I don't want to use them, but I'm not ready to go back to Hell just yet.

It's hard to stop myself running to get to Sammy faster - to see him again or kill the son of a bitch that's using his meatsuit. I shouldn't have stopped for that cheeseburger in Sioux Falls. My stomach feels full of angry wasps, flapping and stinging me. Violently, I throw up into a ditch. Fuck. Why the Hell am I being so... my train of thought derails when I turn the corner into Bobby's drive.

Sam is standing there, his head under the hood of a car. My brother. Sam fucking Winchester. My instincts say kill but my heart says embrace him. Conflicted, I stand there, watching him, waiting for him to turn around and see me. Eventually he does. It's like he does a double take. I guess he wasn't expecting me because I never return anyone's calls anymore. He grins as he walks up to me and leans down for a hug. I'm startled by the sudden intimacy and immediately go into attack mode. I drop my angel blade out of my sleeve - Cas style - and go to ram it in his chest. It kills most monsters. Sam dodges it.

'Dee! Woah! It's me!' He yelps.

I lunge at him again.

'I will fucking kill any bitch who pretends to be my dead brother!' I yell, punctuating each word with a slash. I make a small cut on his upper arm and there isn't a white light from inside him. Not an angel or demon then.

'Dee. Wait, Dee. I'm me, I'm not a monster.' He pants. 'Look, give me your knives.'

I'm wary but I do it. He takes the silver knife first and presses it against where I cut him. It doesn't burn his skin or change the color of his blood.

'See? It's me, Dee. I'm so happy you're here.'

I hug him. I pull him down to my height and he puts his hand on my shoulder blade. Don't you fucking start crying now, Dee. I smile to get rid of tears building up and I know Sammy's doing the same. Still embracing him, I ask what brought him back.

'You don't know?' He replies.

I step away from him. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Bobby and Cas standing by the door of the house, watching us. Cas is doing their head-tilt-squint thing.

'Cas?' I ask Sam, who nods.

'What? How?' I ask in disbelief.

'I don't know, ask them yourself.'

I have a feeling Sammy knows what happened between me and Cas. Who am I kidding, he guessed my crush immediately and has been trying to get us together since before the apocalypse. And it's not like I'm embarrassed either. Just terrified Castiel doesn't feel the same. Hell, they probably don't know how to feel the same.

'Do you remember it?' I blurt out, thinking of my forty years in Hell. He had over a hundred and fifty years with Lucifer. I was a wreck. He must be a shell of the man he was before.

Sam turns away.

'Sammy...' I begin

'I don't remember it,' he snaps. 'I know you do, but I don't. Maybe something's wrong. I don't know. And I don't want to remember it. Okay?'

I think it's best to change the subject.

'So when do you want to get hunting?'

'Actually I -'

Suddenly Cas is here next to me and I miss his answer.

'Hello, Dee.'

'Hey, buddy.' I say, lost for words.

Sam tactfully wanders off. Probably sick of this gay shit and sexual tension. I just stare at Cas. I haven't seen them in months - not even a feather in the corner of my eye.

'I raised him from perdition,' Castiel states, staring through me.

'I missed you,' I cut in.

A blush on Cas's usually confused face.

'I missed you too, Dee.'

I fall into them. My face becomes buried in their hair and Cas's smell engulfs me. Honey and gunpowder. Some heavenly perfume. Their hands are wrapped around my waist. For the first time in over a year, I feel truly safe. Seconds pass. Or days. Perhaps eternity, the true apocalypse, has passed when Cas starts mumbling. I recognize it as Enochian.

'Elasa biab a ror adagita en geraa. Belape ozien.'

'I don't know what that means, Cas.' How can I even talk when this is the best feeling in the universe?

'Ol gen ge ome,' they continue mumbling.

'Castiel. Shut up and stop ruining it,' I half growl, half whisper. I take a deep,  
honey-filled breath. 'I love you, Castiel.'

'En olapireta, I love you too.'

Our lips meet, tentatively at first, then harder, more passionately. I'm lost, but the sweet, soft taste of Castiel is my anchor. My rock. My Castiel. It's like an explosion of white light behind my eyes, slowly fading to the delicious sky blue of their eyes. This is all I want. This is all I need. Food, water, shelter - irrelevant in comparison. I begin to lose myself in Castiel. The delicate waist, covered in that beautiful trench coat. The feathery hair tickling my neck, blowing in the wind. What's a wind? What's a hurricane compared to this angel? My angel.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Enochian phrases translated from. http://www.sinleb.com/enochian/eng_index.php?callid=0

Elasa biab a ror adagita en geraa. Belape ozien - you are the sun to my moon. Be mine.

Ol gen ge ome - I don't understand

En olapireta - my light

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Never Say Die ~ a song by Black Sabbath

Highway Star ~ a song by Deep Purple

This is fanfiction based on Supernatural, the characters and some plots belong to Warner Bros and the CW.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, this'll be the last chapter for a while, I'm still writing chapter 6 which will have Soulless!Sam and possibly Samuel Campbell in chapters to come and I'm debating to throw a heart wrenching plot twist in. Please comment/review/kudos xx


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